Tuesday, May 17, 2005

The truth is revealed

My shift is over and Brad and I are chatting about the Kirk vs. Gorn battle, speculating on what we wish the Gorn had done to old lard butt. I finally get up the nerve to ask Brad what he did that made Kirk put him in a security detail.

Sometime last year, Brad discovered that Captain Fancy Pants had been messing around with his girlfriend, Levara. Brad's academy roommate was also on the ship and worked in bio research. They spent a lot of hours synthesizing a special chemical that was triggered by testosterone. Brad discovered when Jerk planned his next rendezvous with Levara, and shortly before, managed to slip the chemical into Kirk's dinner.

So there's old Captain Casanova himself, in the throes of passion. Levara is having a really good time, when suddenly she opens her eyes and gasps. The chemical has done its thing and Jerk has no more hair. He's as bald as a dead planet.

Jerk still doesn't know, so when she gasps he's like "Yeah.. uh huh.." Then she manages to mumble "your hair". He reaches up and then lets out a torrent of obscenities that would make Mr. Scott proud.

It took Jerk a month to track down the culprits. Brad's old roomie died in a freak transporter mishap. Somehow the transporter managed to transport only half of him - the inner half. Yuck! After that, Brad found his name on just about every security rotation. He pulled what strings he could to get it reduced to half time. He tried to avoid the transporter as much as possible, too.

Never a dull moment

I'm getting a little tired of going to red alert and then trying to make the ship go as fast as possible. I was sitting at my post talking with Crewman Rigbaath. He was telling me about the various bar fights he has been in. By nature, he is a very gentle person, but when he gets attacked, he doesn't back down. He's not a big guy, but as I mentioned before, his bones and muscles are extremely dense. If he hits you, you're going down. He is the only person I know who has beaten up two klingons at once.

Anyway, while we're talking, I a communication from Brad. He tells me that Gary O'Herlihy just bought it. Just as I'm about to ask how, the red alert sounds and next thing you know, Mr. Scott is yelling for Warp 8! I tell Rigbaath that he may have to get out and push. We're doing our best, but things are starting to shake. The cores are really hot. All of a sudden, we just stop. Now how the hell do you go from Warp 8 to a standstill in nothing flat? Everything is dead quite after that.

We start monitoring the main screen to see what is going on, and pretty soon we see Captain Fancy Pants on some planet. He's being forced to fight this big thing that we later find out is a called a Gorn. It's an 8-foot tall reptilian creature that hisses a lot. Once we realize that there's nothing else we can do but watch, my job becomes fun again. We start pulling for the Gorn, of course. There's a lot of heavy betting action going. About a third of the guys put their money on the slimy, cold-blooded reptile, and the rest put their money on the Gorn. Even though this has become something of a party, Mr. Scott won't let us have any alcohol. He says that you never know when you may be back at red alert. I see him sneak a few swigs from his hidden bottle of scotch every once in a while, too.

Brad comes in and joins us after a while. He synthesizes this holo Gorn and makes it spar with the Kirk mannequin, which is really looking bad these days. The Gorn holo does some pretty rude things to the mannequin. Mr. Scott tries to be stern, but you can tell he's trying to keep from laughing.

Jerk ends up shooting the Gorn with a make-shift cannon. I gotta give him some credit, I think this may have been the first time he figured something out without having to ask Mr. Spock. I lost a lot of money, too. Stupid Gorn.

Monday, May 16, 2005

One fast planet

Today, just before my shift ended, we went into red alert (no big surprise), and the next thing I know, Mr. Scott is pushing us to crank up the warp drive as high as it will go. We're trying all kinds of radical mixes, trying to make it faster. I suggest to Mr. Scott that he puke into the warp drive again. Not a good time for a joke.

We're watching the main screen from the engine room trying to see why we're putting on all this speed and get this: we're being chased by a planet. A freakin' planet!

We turn and really put the speed on, next thing you know, the thing creeps back onto the screen. I glance over at tractor control just to make sure some joker didn't decide to tow the thing. Since we're having so much trouble avoiding the planet, I wonder out loud "Is Kirk steering or something?" That gets a few nervous chuckles.

Things finally calmed down, but I had to stay on shift for a while before we were allowed to stand down. I never found out exactly what happened.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Awesome Shore Leave

Man, this has got to be the best shore leave of my entire career!

We went to this planet where you pretty much just think of what you want and you get it! About 3 days into my "Girls of the Galaxy" spree, I decided I needed some other kind of physical activity. Next thing I know, there my very own Captain Jerk to beat the crap out of. I chase him all over the place, kicking his lard butt every way you can imagine.

The best part, though, is that one time I hid on this rock and jumped down on him from behind, slugging him in the head with a tree branch on the way down. He's rolling around on the ground, holding his head and groaning. Then he starts muttering something about "Damn you, Finnegan" and I realize, this ain't the dummy I was chasing. It's the real thing! I run off before he catches sight of me. This is SO AWESOME!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Too hungover to really party

There was a party for Crewman Woo-Qi, who turned 40 today. Woo-Qi works in computer maintenance and has a lot of fun with it. One time he made it yawn while old lard-butt was doing a log entry. Another time he made it ask Mr. Spock for verification every time Jerk told it something. Woo-Qi almost got in big trouble for that one. One time he made the elevator go to the wrong deck. Jerk ended up barging in on Ensign Patterson while she was getting dressed. That was a prank gone horribly wrong, though, since it.. uhh.. turned out to be not so bad for Jerk.

His best prank, by far, however, is when he changed the holo recorder so that when Jerk transmitted a message to Starfleet Command, the image relayed showed him with his fly open. He never understood why these Admirals kept making comments about the stardock being open. The best was when Adminal Nogura said "there must be a scout ship about to depart".

My head was still swimming from the Altairian Charades, so I didn't feel much like drinking. I chatted with Charica for a while. Woo-Qi made a couple of his stupid jokes before passing out. Something about "How many Vulcans does it take to change a photon-generator? approximately 3.74876341203981230983475634138298632854435098650921873217631"

No, he's not any funnier when he's sober.

Monday, May 09, 2005

The Joy of Drinking Games

I explored a different section of Starbase 11 today - one where the bartenders aren't on the lookout for me. I went over to the Moonless Moon lounge, mainly because it sounded like there was a huge party going on. It was better than just a party, it was a game of Altairian Charades. If you have never played the game, it is absolutely the best drinking game in the galaxy. The downside, aside from the possibility of accidental poisoning, is that you can only play about once a week because it takes that long for the hangover to wear off.

During each round, one member of a team is selected to be the puppet, while another is selected to be the puppeteer. The puppeteer is given the name of a planet and the idea is for the rest of the team to guess the planet. The puppeteer must get the puppet to behave like someone from that planet, using any combination of alcohol or other chemicals.

When I was the puppeteer, I was given "Vulcan". That's a no-brainer for me. I gave the guy a shot of Vodka-Naxonus, which completely relaxes the mouth, then I gave him a glass of Padrium water, to give him a greenish hue, and I topped it off with some slightly illegal brain stimulants. Maybe I was already a little too drunk, because the guy ended up a little greener than I expected - maybe about the hue of spinach. His mouth was so relaxed that his jaw hung slack and his tongue hung out. As he sat there, he suddenly just gazed off into space for a minute, then his eyes widened and he stood up. He looked frantically from left to right, each time his head snapped in the other direction, we heard a "thwap" as his tongue flapped against his mouth. He seemed to be indicating that he wanted to write something. He obviously realized that dictation was out of the question. By the time we got him something to write on, it was too late, the brain stimulants had worn off. He later told me that he had come up with the idea for a new kind of propulsion that was almost instantaneous, but he couldn't remember any of the details. My team had several guesses, but nothing even close. In fact, nothing even considered sentient.

When it came time for me to be the puppet, I was given a healthy dose of Sevarian Beer, which can cause severe aggression, and acute clumsiness. Included in the beer, was about a month's dosage of Salivex 10, which is a salivary gland stimulant for humans. I later learned that the puppeteer was trying to get me to act like a Klingon and wanted me to snarl and drool. Okay, so it does tend to be more of a caricature of a particular people.

Most people are not familiar with the history of Nocturnus 4 (my home planet). Many thousands of years ago, my ancestors hunted using an acid that causes blindness in most species. This acid was not only secreted by their salivary glands, but actually propelled by them. To put it bluntly, I descend from some of the most lethal spitters you can imagine. Over time, as our society developed tools, we relied less and less on the spitting, so our glands weakened until we got to the point where we could no longer spit like our ancestors.

The huge dose of Salivex 10 undid thousands of years of evolution, and in combination with the Sevarian beer, turned me into a clumsy, angry spittle gun. Man, I was shooting spit in every direction at once. Everywhere I could hear shouts of "My eyes! my eyes!" Through the haze of the beer, I staggered towards people, intent on beating them up, only swat at the table next to them, or to fall into the wall, all the time shooting spit everywhere. It ate little holes in people's uniforms, and through a lot of the drinking glasses.

Here's a safety tip, when someone is shooting acidic spittle around a bar, get the people with the Saurian Brandy as far away as possible from the ones with Ergonian Taka Water. It took a minute or two before the leaking liquids came in contact with each other. After that, it was another 30 minutes before the blaze was contained. The presence of Sevarian beer in my spittle did not help the situation, since it ignited as it passed through the flames and started new fires all over the bar.

I was eventually absolved of any direct malice, although everyone participating in the game had to work double shifts until the bar was repaired. This is yet another section of Starbase 11 that I must avoid.

While I was recovering from my hangover and awaiting the hearing, someone hijacked the Enterprise. Kirk took off after it in a shuttlecraft. Hopefully it will be gone long enough for this whole incident to blow over. Otherwise, I'm sure Jerk will come up with some new punishment, like spit-shining the hull.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Blink once if you forgive me

Oh man, Captain Pike is really screwed up. His face is all burned and he's in a special chair. He can't speak, or even move, really, he just communicates by blinking lights. That's pretty bad, considering that these days, most people can control a moving, speaking holo with their brainwaves. This happened while he was inspecting an old starship. This is all my fault. If I hadn't gotten him transferred, none of this would have happened.

I arranged with the transporter crews to automatically beam me aboard before the ship pulls out. I plan to drink myself into a coma for a while.

Back to base

Well, we got a call from Captain Pike so we have to return to Starbase 11. It's a little soon to go back there, I think I still have the remnants of a few hangovers, but I'm anxious to see Captain Pike again. I still feel guilty because it is my fault that he got transferred off the Enterprise. There's a few people I will need to avoid, too, especially the bartender at the Cygnus Cantina (I better avoid the guy who cleans the restrooms there, too).

I got a small clue as to why Brad has to spend half his time on Security. Apparently Captain Jerk *really* has it in for this guy - worse than he did for Sam. I'm dying to know why!

Friday, May 06, 2005

Another in my never ending supply of roommates

Welcome to Kenni's revolving door, Crewman Brad Grant. And Brad, where are you from again? Ah yes, Earth. Of course. How charming.

So Brad turns out to be pretty cool. He splits his shift between security and Warp statistics. Brad comes by every once in a while and takes a lot of measurements. Then he creates these incredible moving holos that represent the warp drive performance. I don't think I have ever thought of statistics as art before, but Brad has a real eye for these things. He picks colors that contrast really well, and then animates the holo with interesting zooms, pans, and morphs. Sometimes he starts with a replica of a part of the warp drive, zooms in on a particular piece, changes its color and then morphs it into the statistical representation of its performance.

Mr. Scott wasn't so impressed. He looked it and said "Ah don need no blaggedeblahblah from a fragghkbredth mathematician to tell me what's wrong with the karrrrfrgghiddy warp drive. Ah can tell wit me own eyes n ears." When it comes to swearing, Mr. Scott must have had his own personal guru. I'm not even sure what he's sayin half the time.

The guys really messed with Brad, too. He asked them for some data and they gave it to him in these really obscure units, like furlong-pounds per solar month. It didn't phase him at all, though. I think he still did the conversions in his head. Now what I want to know is, what is a guy like that doing spending half his time in security?