Monday, February 28, 2005

Hard day at work

Today was one of those really tough days. I worked almost a double shift. Things were going great this morning. We were cutting up, making fun of Kirk and putting the Kirk mannequin in all sorts of suggestive poses. Next thing we know, Red Alert.

Now, one thing you should know about the Enterprise is that they are a little too quick to sound Red Alert. I kid you not, they once went to Red Alert for a case of Diarrhea. Sulu had the runs and we were on a skeleton crew shift, so Captain Jerk was the only other helm-qualified officer on the bridge. I'll give him credit for one thing, though, he knows his limitations. He couldn't steer this ship into a black hole, even if you pointed him in the right direction. So he went to Red Alert, which brought a full crew to the bridge. He claimed that he saw a ship appear and then disappear. It seemed hostile, so he was "just being prudent".

So, imagine my surprise today when we go to Red Alert and I overhear reports of a ship appearing and disappearing. "Sulu must have tried Damoolian Bangshas again!" I said. But next thing you know, the shields are up and we're heading off at full speed. I gotta tell you, this is the kind of stuff that scares the hell out of me.

So we start firing phasers and the guys from Phaser are all over us screaming for more power. We did some of the fastest reconfiguration work I think we've ever done. Mr. Scott was screaming orders at us, but I could tell that he was pleased at how we were doing. He seems gruff sometimes, but deep down, he's still an Engineer. So don't mess with him.

I have occasionally heard things from the Phaser guys that made my blood run cold. Like "man, how many more of them are there!" or "Oops! Oh ****!!" Today was the worst - "Randomly? You mean just shoot anywhere?" Captain Jerk may not know how to steer, but he can fight real good. If he's just shooting any old place, he's panicked.

We get rocked around a lot and it seems like everything is breaking. We keep it together, though. I burned my hand pretty good, but it ain't the first time and I know Dr. McCoy can fix it up.

Mr. Scott's keeping an eye on the monitors and at one point, it seemed like the entire engine room went completely silent (although it was really just the Engineers). There on the monitor was the face of what we believed to be a Romulan. No one had ever seen one before. But.. he looked really familiar.

"He looks just like Spock's dad!" I said.

"Damned Spock, I knew he was a Romulan!" said Crewman Ursh.

"Yeah, I know what yer all thinkin" said Mr. Scott, "but look at the ears, lads. They're not quite as pointy as Spock's, and the skin isn't quite as green. Ye probably think he looks like Sarek because ye've naught seen many of his kind afore."

And about that time, the ship shook violently and we all went back to work. The Romulan ship eventually blew up, much to our relief. The Phaser guys were all "Yeah! We got em!! We rock!!" but I happen to know that the phasers were offline at the time, because I accidentally rechanneled their power back to Impulse. I gotta be more careful, that could have killed us. Mr. Scott noticed, too. He came over to me and said "Laddy, you ever do that again and we'll be firing you at them, got it?"

So, we came out okay, the ship is still in one piece. Other than my burned hand, the only casualty from Engineering was the Kirk Mannequin, which lost a finger and tore its dress.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Our Mascot

The Captain Kirk mannequin now stands proudly in a blue dress in the Warp section. He never comes down here, so we ain't worried. Mr. Scott loves it, too. We shaved off all the hair, and added a voice node. Now it says things like "Dammit, Bones, I'm an egotistical womanizer, not a starship captain!"

Thursday, February 24, 2005

I know a secret!

Boy did I ever dig up the dirt on tubby himself! But before I get into that, I have to confess my own dirty little secret. I have been seeing Lieutenant Ritter from Bio Research. Good thing she doesn't have a problem seeing someone who is just a Crewman Second-Class. We get along great, she's smart and the most beautiful woman on the ship. Best thing is, she hates old lard-butt as much as I do. Although, when I ask her why, she just kinda gazes off in the distance and says something like "well, it's like I have this memory.. but.. no, it never happened.. did it?" It's a little strange, I know, but if that's her only flaw, I can live with it.

So, anyway, we decided to make this clone of Captain Jerk, which we would train for some really awesome pranks. So I sneak into his cabin and steal a piece of his hair so we can get a DNA sample. Normally, Sandy (Lt. Ritter) would be able to get the data from the computer, but we don't want anyone to know about this, so we have to clone him the old fashioned way.

Sandy's cloner is like WAY freakin awesome! She modified it to automatically age the clone to the desired age, and we can also give it a pre-programmed memory that is very receptive to our suggestions. I told you she was great!

So we put the hair in the cloner and it starts going.. and we're waiting like 10 minutes and there's no clone. The machine starts getting kinda hot and I see a little smoke. Finally, it shuts down and when we open the lid, there's a mannequin inside that looks exactly like Jerk. Sandy and I look at each other.

"What the hell?" Sandy says. So the opens up the compartment and pulls out the hair. She holds it up to the light, then holds it in front of her tricorder. Guess what?! IT'S FAKE!!! Mr. Macho Sexy Women-Love-Me is really as bald as a cue ball! I can understand why he uses the fake stuff, though. Who wants a captain with no hair?

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Welcome to Warp, Rookie!

Today I got to be on the giving end of a rookie initiation. We got this guy over from Environmental and they sent him over to me. I showed him one of the cooling tubes and I said "the warp drive has gotten a little too warped. You need to straighten it out."

Man, I ain't never seen anybody that strong. He pushed and pushed on that tube, it must have been an hour. By the time they took him to sick bay, the tube was a whole lot straighter than it had been. Mr. Scott was major-pissed. He made me straighten it out, only I couldn't budge it. It took four of us about 3 hours to finally get it back to something like its original shape.

Turns out, the guy is from a planet with a gravity about 10 times what we have on the Enterprise (which, of course, is set to the Earth-ist level). His bone and muscle structure is incredibly dense. I guess I need another slogan - "Don't mess with Crewman Second-Class Harf Rigbaath, baby!" Although, since he's in Engineering(!) maybe I'm okay.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

What a freak

I was in the break room on deck 8 just a few minutes ago, just relaxing, right? So this guy asks me to teach him how to play 3-D chess because he wants to beat Mr. Spock. I tell him that he better find a way to make his ears pointy if he wants to beat Spock. He starts to get a little snippy so I decide to teach him chess anyway. Getting waxed by old green&pointy is just what he deserves.

So I'm in the middle of showing him Kyrrisan's 2-Level Queen trap and the guy gets this weird look and yells "this game is too complicated!" Next thing I know, the pieces are flying across the room. I'm like "Whoa! The gravity plates flickered again! I thought they fixed those!"

So this guy, I think his name is Charlie, starts looking at me with these beady eyes and he says "you shouldn't be here" and I feel all weird. I don't know why but I am sure he's doing it so I run out the door. As I run out, I yell back to him "you're the one that shouldn't be here, you freak!" Man, that musta really set him off.

So I tell my roommate Sam about this guy and he says that Captain Jerk has been treating the kid like his protege. At least that explains why he's such a freak. Sams says that they dumped him off on another ship. I bet it will take years of counseling to undo the Kirk effect.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Welcome, Roomie!

Well, I got a new roommate again. He works in security, so technically he is part of Engineering - don't mess with him! His name is Sam Rayburn and he's really cool. He likes to tell people that because of his name he should be working in Phasers, but those guys are all macho jerks - he's too cool to be there.

Sam tells me stories about all the places they caught Captain Jerk making out with crew members. They have also seen Spock doing some really weird stuff. Nobody wants to ask him about it, though.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

You want it when?

I like Mr. Scott, I really do, but sometimes he really makes me mad. He asks me to reprogram the matter-antimatter mixer to give it a finer-grained adjustment.

"How soon do you need it?" I asked.

"I need it yesterday," he tells me.

Great, so I'm up for like 36 hours straight working on this and I finally get it done. He's still pissed because it took so long. Like geez, what do you want?

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Take that, Mr. I-need-it-yesterday!

Okay, so after my 36-hour shift, I take a long nap. While I'm sleeping, everything goes to hell. Everyone starts acting crazy, Sulu thinks he's a swordman, Nurse Chapel gets all horny (well, that's not so strange, but it was for Spock). So Mr. Scott ends up fixing everything by messing with the warp mix and sending us back in time by like 3 days.

So I wake up and find out what happened and it's three days earlier. I immediately go work on the matter-antimatter mixer. So then Mr. Scott comes to me and tells me he needs it done yesterday and I tell him that it WAS done yesterday. So there!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Evil Kirk? How can you tell?

I hurt my arm at work two days ago. I was changing a quantum thermomagnetic core in one of the warp chambers and it slipped and pinned my forearm. The magnetic core was active and was strongly attracted to the deck, so it really crushed the hell out of my arm. I screamed for a while, then I guess I passed out. Next thing I know, I'm in sick bay trying to get a look at nurse Chapel's cleavage. McCoy fixed me up pretty good. Kirk calls him "Bones", so we refer to him privately as "Boner", but really, he's a nice old guy.

Anyway, I just got out of sick bay and it sounds like I missed all the fun yesterday. Something weird happened to the transporter and it ended up creating an evil version of Captain Jerk. Apparently it took several hours to figure this out because, well, how could you tell? He was egotistical, spiteful, lecherous and downright mean. So you can imagine how bad the evil version must have been. Anyway, they fixed the problem by running Jerk back through the transporter and crossing him with a pig or something - at least that's what the other guys in Engineering told me.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Roommate needed


I need a new roommate again. Captain Jerk is keeping his pledge to assign Engineering to dangerous jobs. He sent my roommate down to this planet and he got attacked by a salt vampire. My roommate! Salt vampire! That's like rolling a person in honey and grubs and putting them in front of a bear. You'd think that after feasting on Bob, the thing would not have been hungry for at least three months, but it managed to pick off a few more Engineers. Don't Mess With Engineering, Baby!

The official report sent to Starfleet Command says that Dr. McCoy shot it with a phaser. After a long meeting between Mr. Scott and the rest of the upper-level command staff, it was decided that the truth should be masked, for the safety and reputation of the crew.

The truth is, when Engineering found out it had killed several Engineers, we tracked the salt vampire down. We cornered it just outside the break room on deck 7. I won't get graphic here, so let's just say that we beat the ever loving crap out of that thing. You ain't seen nothing til you've seen a bunch of mad engineers wielding warp core manipulators! You know who not to mess with!

Thursday, February 03, 2005


Every once in a while, my pranks don't go as planned. I had been scoping out Jerk's activities for a while and I decided to rig the evacuator in the deck 6 restroom. So I'm sitting in one of the stalls and I hear the door open and close, then someone sits down in the stall next to me. I hear the hum of the evacuator and I realize the fun is about to begin.

I had rigged it, of course, to put in instead of taking out. Next thing I know, I hear a grunt and strained voice say "fascinating." Uh oh, what is Spock doing here? I start to panic a little, but at least he doesn't have a bad temper. There's a few more "Ugh! Most... curious... Urrrrgggghh.. most... ill..logical... uh.. uh.." He finally managed to switch stalls. I kept perfectly quiet until he finally left, then I fixed the evacuator back and decided never to do this again.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Dilithium crystals and beauties

You know, some of my buddies ask me how I like being on a ship with the "famous" Captain Kirk. Let me tell you, the guy is a total putz. He's only famous because he went from Ensign to Captain in like a year. If left to his own devices, he'd fly the ship right into a planet. Let me give you an example.

We find this little ship and Jerk chases it right into an asteroid field. Moron. How bout using the tractor beam, you idiot! So anyway, now he feels guilty and tries to use our shields to protect it. Next thing you know, our dilithim crystals are smoking. Scotty's on the intercom screaming at him. One of the glows bright yellow, then turns gray. We shut down the warp drive. Another one starts to glow and Scotty starts cursing in a language none of us have ever heard. Crystal number two bites the dust.

I see Scotty reaching into his locker and I think he's going for a phaser, but it turns out to be a small flask of scotch. He takes a few swigs and curses again. When the third crystal starts to glow, he yells in the intercom again "Jim, she can't take anymore". We all snicker because we heard him yell that when he was making out with Ensign Jacobs down on deck 15.

So finally Captain Numb Nuts beams the crew off the other ship and gets our shields down just as the third of our four dilithium crystals becomes a useless hunk of rock. So now we're down to no shields and no warp drive. Thanks alot, Captain Ahab.

The crew of the ship turn out to be this smooth-talking used-spaceship salesman and three beautiful women. Jerk ends up feeding them some Jello and trading them for more crystals. They were pretty, but I gotta say that they don't hold a candle to Lieutenant Ritter over in Bio Research. Sigh.