Thursday, February 24, 2005

I know a secret!

Boy did I ever dig up the dirt on tubby himself! But before I get into that, I have to confess my own dirty little secret. I have been seeing Lieutenant Ritter from Bio Research. Good thing she doesn't have a problem seeing someone who is just a Crewman Second-Class. We get along great, she's smart and the most beautiful woman on the ship. Best thing is, she hates old lard-butt as much as I do. Although, when I ask her why, she just kinda gazes off in the distance and says something like "well, it's like I have this memory.. but.. no, it never happened.. did it?" It's a little strange, I know, but if that's her only flaw, I can live with it.

So, anyway, we decided to make this clone of Captain Jerk, which we would train for some really awesome pranks. So I sneak into his cabin and steal a piece of his hair so we can get a DNA sample. Normally, Sandy (Lt. Ritter) would be able to get the data from the computer, but we don't want anyone to know about this, so we have to clone him the old fashioned way.

Sandy's cloner is like WAY freakin awesome! She modified it to automatically age the clone to the desired age, and we can also give it a pre-programmed memory that is very receptive to our suggestions. I told you she was great!

So we put the hair in the cloner and it starts going.. and we're waiting like 10 minutes and there's no clone. The machine starts getting kinda hot and I see a little smoke. Finally, it shuts down and when we open the lid, there's a mannequin inside that looks exactly like Jerk. Sandy and I look at each other.

"What the hell?" Sandy says. So the opens up the compartment and pulls out the hair. She holds it up to the light, then holds it in front of her tricorder. Guess what?! IT'S FAKE!!! Mr. Macho Sexy Women-Love-Me is really as bald as a cue ball! I can understand why he uses the fake stuff, though. Who wants a captain with no hair?

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