Monday, March 28, 2005

On a clear mind you can see forever

I'm thinking we ought to have some extra security around the transporter room. I was walking by there today when the door suddenly opens and this old guy in a jumpsuit hits me in the neck. Next thing I know, I'm in sick bay trying to get a look at nurse Chapel's cleavage. I look over and the old guy is in the very next bed - in restraints!

I'm like, if you're gonna beam up a guy that needs restraints, maybe you could have a security party in the transporter room to meet him. So anyway, McCoy is pumping the guy full of all these experimental psych drugs trying to get him back to normal. Finally he brings in Spock who starts to do the Vulcan Mind-Meld with the guy.

I had heard of the mind-meld before but I had never seen it. It was eerie. The whole room got quiet. It was like Spock was literally absorbing all the sound. When he got really into it, I reached over and touched him. Immediately my mind felt like it had two additional people there. One was just raving and screaming about having his mind emptied. The other one seemed to waver between a cold, focused stream that was just so clear. It was like a single thought without any distractions. Then it would waver toward this raging torrent of "Shut up, you stupid, pompous windbag! Why don't you keep your mouth and your zipper shut!" I don't know how long I was in contact but it was long enough for me to hear Spock say "Don't mess with Engineering, Baby!" Then he shoved me so hard I flew across the room.

So he goes back to mind-melding with the old guy and when he is done, Spock tells McCoy that Kirk is in danger of having his mind emptied. "Too late" I think, but I keep my mouth shut. They're his buddies, ain't no use picking on him in front of them. After the mind-meld, Spock probably knows what I think of Captain Jerk, anyway.

The old guy is feeling better, now. I think the mind-meld finally brought him around. Turns out he works at a penal colony, and man does he have the dirtiest jokes! He tells me quite a few while we're in sick bay. I heard later that he went back down to the penal colony to keep working. I guess they saved Kirk from having the last two thoughts erased from his brain. Oh well.

Friday, March 25, 2005

A dream or a nightmare?

So today I bump into Crewman Jacow today, and I say to her "So, how's Captain Kirk doing?"

And she's all "How would I know?"

So I say "Well, you seemed pretty friendly with him in the aft supply room on deck 12."

She just stares at me with her mouth open. "I didn't tell anyone about that dream, how do you know about it?"

What is she talking about? Dream? I saw it with my own two eyes. It was the same day... as... that time drill! As Spock would say, "fascinating!" So now I'm like "Uh oh, how do I get out of this" so I say "Uhh.. I'm really sorry. I just got out of psych and they were doing some research on brain patterns. I guess they let me out before the drugs had completely worn off."

She nods and walks off, but she keeps looking back at me.. then staring off into space.. then looking back at me. She seems pretty freaked out.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Adding insult to injury

Sandy dumped me.

I can't say I'm all that surprised. She said I was too immature - that I'm like a big kid. I guess I can't fault her. She wants someone who is both emotionally and mentally stable. I think I proved in the last week that I am neither of those things.

I actually had to spend one night in the brig, if you can believe it. They thought about court martialing me, but somehow there was no sensor data proving conclusively that I had been the one to place the anti-matter there. Strangely, there WAS sensor data showing that I had received and anti-matter containment breach warning at my station just seconds before Sartone's "accident". Hmm. I wonder how it got there.

I am still on a week's suspension without pay. On another ship, suspension would mean free time. On the Enterprise, it means I am on cleaning detail. Since I am from Engineering, it means that I am cleaning the OUTSIDE of the hull. Lard-butt tried to have me assigned to cleaning the engine nacelles but Mr. Scott came to my defense, arguing that assigning me to a detail that would guarantee my instant death and complete vaporization would not look good on Captain Fancy-Pants' record.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

I screwed up royally

I have had pranks go wrong before, but this one was utterly horrible. Crewman First-Class Sartone was jumping all over me because he didn't like the way I was reconfiguring the warp drive. He said I wasn't elegant enough. I was already in a bad mood because I saw Captain Jerk making out with Crewman Jacow in one of the supply rooms. What a creep. Can't McCoy give him something to control his urges?

So anyway, I decide it is time for the old anti-matter-in-the-underwear trick. I run a little anti-matter into the isolation chamber and isolate a single particle. It is surrounded with a magnetic shield. I set the shield to collapse in about 5 hours and the next time Sartone is bent over examining one of the cooling pylons, I slip it down the back of his pants. He turns and looks at me and says "What was that?" and I'm like "Scuse me, I was backing up and didn't see you." I hear him mutter "Clumsy moron". Yeah, we'll see about that.

So, 5 hours later, I start to glance around occasionally, and then I see it. A flash brighter than anything I have ever seen, and much bigger than I expected, coming from Sartone's crotch. I must have gotten an extra particle or two of anti-matter in there. His crotch area is gone, man! Just GONE! There's no blood, though. The heat from the reaction sealed everything. Sartone is already passed out, an expression of pain and surprise is frozen on his face.

Everyone else is just staring. We have accidents all the time and we know how to react to them. But no one expects anyone to have a small thermo-nuclear reaction in their pants. Mr. Scott is absolutely livid. "Good God, man!" he shouts. "That's an anti-matter reaction! What the hell is going on?!" Then everyone rushes to help Sartone. I hope no one else notices how pale I am. I feel sick. I am NEVER, EVER, EVER going to do that again.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Time drill

This is the strangest thing, we did another time drill. Every once in a while, we do this drill where we send the ship back in time. Sometimes just a few hours, sometimes a day or two. Captain Jerk says it is practice for dire emergencies. I don't know, though. None of my buddies on other ships have ever done anything like this, not even the ones on cruisers. I'm one of the time-control officers for this one. That's the funny thing, as many times as I remember doing this, the only times I can remember it is when I was the time control officer. I have vague memories of other times, but I think they might have just been dreams.

As it turns out, this time drill was a life-saver for me. We went back about 16 hours. About two hours into the drill, I went running over to Crewman First-Class Sartone. He's one of these guys in Engineering who thinks he's better than the rest of us and he always reminds us to be nice to him because he'll be commanding us soon.

Yeah, tell THAT to a bunch of Engineers. Naturally, he gets what he deserves. Anyway, I go running over to him and pull his pants down, underwear, too. He's screaming "Get him off me! Get him off me!" Some of the other guys are laughing, but I'm not. I'm a serious as I can be. Just as I get his underwear down around his ankles, there is an explosion and a blinding white light. Mr. Scott is absolutely livid. "Good God, man!" he shouts. "That's an anti-matter reaction! What the hell is going on?!"

What's going on is my face really hurts. It is now bright red with the sunburn caused by the anti-matter. Everyone now sees spots in there eyes from the brightness of the anti-matter. Dr. McCoy is going to have a field day. Sartone can't figure out if he is relieved or angry, he keeps going back and forth between both. Finally he realizes that he not only has no pants ON, but he has no pants PERIOD. He grabs a radiation suit, puts it on and rushes off to his quarters.

I spend the next two hours in Mr. Scott's office. I hear some more of his weird swear words. I wonder if I might use a universal translator the next time he is this mad, but I'm not entirely sure I really want to know what he is saying. I'm probably going to be suspended for this, I just hope I don't get sent back to Impulse.

Monday, March 14, 2005


I wonder if sailors ever tired of watching the sea. For me, I like watching the stars. Sandy and I like to go up to the little observation dome and just lie back and stare. Sometimes we'll just sit there for hours and say nothing. We can project starfields in the engine room, but there's something about being able to watch it for real, not synthesized.

I don't have a new roommate yet, and I'm kinda glad. I didn't room with Sam all that long, but we got a long so well, I just haven't completely gotten over his death. People often think that working for Starfleet is a cushy job where you just fly around to exotic planets and get laid by purple&blue "multi-port" women who can handle several guys at once. The truth is, it can be tough, stressful work, and people die - especially on this ship. Since Captain Jerk took over, the mortality rate in Engineering has soared. I hope someone investigates that one day.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Strange encounter

I've pretty much been wandering around in a daze since Sam died. But today I passed Kirk in the hallway. I started to sneer at him and he looked me, smiled and said "Hiya, Kenni! How are you doing today?" Like he doesn't know! Or is he trying to rub it in? I didn't think he was THIS much of a jerk. So I say, as coldly as I can "I think you know."

Then he kinda glances around like someone who isn't in on a joke and then says "No, is there something wrong? If Mr. Scott isn't taking good care of you fellows in Engineering, you just let me know. You guys are the lifeblood of this ship and I depend on you. You are far and away my favorite department."

Okay, now that was too weird. He was so absolutely sincere about it. I've seen him in action and I *know* that he's not THAT good of an actor. He's like really wacked out or something. I see him wave at one of my buddies and give him a pat on the back. Something is definitely wrong here, so I call Mr. Spock.

Mr. Spock comes down and I describe the whole thing to him. He knows how much old fancy-pants hates Engineering, so it strikes him as strange, too. We start looking for Jerk and find him in the transporter room. Spock makes me wait outside so he can deal with Kirk personally. I don't know what he said, but the next thing I know, Kirk is screaming at the top of his lungs about half-breed interference and stuff like that. Then I hear the transporter beam go on. About a minute later, it went on again. Then nothing.

Just after I started my shift, one of the guys told me that there was an android Kirk on board the ship. Man, wouldn't it have been cool to capture it and reprogram it! That would be way better than our mannequin, which is looking pretty bad since I punched it out after Sam's death.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


Sam is dead.

Kirk was so pissed at him that he gave him double duty in security and that included extra landing party duty. Sam was killed while beaming down to a planet with Lard Butt and Nurse Chapel.

Good-bye, my friend, you were freakin awesome! I gotta go find Sandy and have a good cry.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

What's that smell? It sure ain't Victory!

I'm still kinda toasted from tonight's party. My head is swimming and I can't really feel my feet. That was, without a doubt, the most awesome party I have ever had in my life! I am no longer mad at Sam.

I wasn't gonna go to the party, but Sandy (Lt. Ritter) talked me into it. She reminded me that Sam had this incredible knack for obtaining Romulan Ale, and wouldn't THAT be a hoot for this particular party.

The party started just after the main shift and it was in the shuttlecraft bay. About 1/3 of the crew was there, definitely the biggest party we have ever thrown. Kirk is all dressed up in his formals and is looking really polished and sickeningly smug. The rest of the senior staff are there, but they look like they'd rather be somewhere else. Mr. Scott hardly looks at Jerk, but keeps scanning around to see where Sam is keeping the booze.

Finally, Sam gets up and makes this big presentation. He starts out with all this crap about how awesome Jerk is and how there is no better captain anywhere. I start to leave, but Sandy grabs my arm and won't let me go. For her, I stay. Just for her. So anyway, Sam goes on and on and then finally he says "Captain, we in Engineering were so impressed by your cunning victory that we decided to save it for posterity. We worked all night putting together logs and sensor data to exactly reconstruct everything that happened. Everyone starts cheering, Kirk kinda smiles and glances around, but he looks like someone who is waiting for everyone to notice a sudden wet spot on his pants or something.

So the show begins. We see this ship appear and disappear. We get this great computer-synthesized view of the Enterprise turning and then running right next to the other ship, matching its movements. The crowd is like "Wow!" Sam speaks up and says "Captain, that was incredible! How did you know how to find them?" Next thing, we see this closeup of a computer panel that is isolating a tracking signal for the ship. We occasionally see glimpses of green hands adjusting the controls. There's no doubt who is doing it. Kirk now has this really fake grin. I steal a glance at Mr .Scott who is trying desperately to mask a smirk.

Next we see phaser fire just all over the place, in almost every conceivable direction. Sam says "Wow, he was really all over the place!" Several crewmen chuckle. So then we see a hit and Sam says "Great! You got him! Now we can move in for the kill." The Enterprise is just sitting there, though.. sitting there.. and sitting there.. finally Sam says "Oh.. too bad, all that random firing knocked out the phasers." Now we see the Enterprise backing up at high speed. Sam beams and says "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you 'The Kirk Maneuver'. By this time, old lard butt is nowhere to be seen.

Finally, we see the Enterprise exchanging some more fire with the ship. Now we see a shot of Kirk yelling "Fire!" Then we again see the Enterprise just sitting there. Finally, we see Mr. Spock frantically working to fix the phasers, surrounded by the red shirts of those macho doofuses in Phasers. Spock fixes the phasers, runs over to the manual firing panel and fires. The other ship is hit, and soon blows up, obviously from some self-destruct mechanism.

At this point, everyone is silent, looking around to see if Kirk is still there. Finally, someone shouts out "Way to go, Mr. Spock!" and everyone cheers. After that, it was just one endless fountain of booze. Sam is MOST DEFINITELY forgiven. DON'T MESS WITH ENGINEERING, BABY!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Sam the Sham

Captain Jerk has been strutting his lard-butt all over the ship the last few days, basking in the glory of his latest "victory" that was really a forfeit. So I'm there in the hallway talking with Sam (my roomie) and here comes old fancy-pants himself. I start to make a snide remark to Sam only to find him fawning all over Jerk. I almost lost my lunch! He's all "Man, that was awesome, sir! You are like the coolest warrior in the galaxy!" What a load of crap.

Kirk is just eating it up, I swear I could actually SEE his head expanding. And Sam says "Captain, do you think we could organize a little victory celebration for you?"

Kirk is all smiles and he says "Crewman, that would be an excellent idea. I see great things ahead for you!" The he struts on down the hall.

So there we are in the hallway, me and Sam. He's grinning at me and I'm ready to punch him. Finally I just scream "Why don't you just following, you brown-nosing son-of-a-paqenda!" Then I just stomp off before he could say another thing. I'm spending the night in Lt. Ritter's room tonight, there's no way I can be in the same room with that guy right now.