Saturday, March 05, 2005

What's that smell? It sure ain't Victory!

I'm still kinda toasted from tonight's party. My head is swimming and I can't really feel my feet. That was, without a doubt, the most awesome party I have ever had in my life! I am no longer mad at Sam.

I wasn't gonna go to the party, but Sandy (Lt. Ritter) talked me into it. She reminded me that Sam had this incredible knack for obtaining Romulan Ale, and wouldn't THAT be a hoot for this particular party.

The party started just after the main shift and it was in the shuttlecraft bay. About 1/3 of the crew was there, definitely the biggest party we have ever thrown. Kirk is all dressed up in his formals and is looking really polished and sickeningly smug. The rest of the senior staff are there, but they look like they'd rather be somewhere else. Mr. Scott hardly looks at Jerk, but keeps scanning around to see where Sam is keeping the booze.

Finally, Sam gets up and makes this big presentation. He starts out with all this crap about how awesome Jerk is and how there is no better captain anywhere. I start to leave, but Sandy grabs my arm and won't let me go. For her, I stay. Just for her. So anyway, Sam goes on and on and then finally he says "Captain, we in Engineering were so impressed by your cunning victory that we decided to save it for posterity. We worked all night putting together logs and sensor data to exactly reconstruct everything that happened. Everyone starts cheering, Kirk kinda smiles and glances around, but he looks like someone who is waiting for everyone to notice a sudden wet spot on his pants or something.

So the show begins. We see this ship appear and disappear. We get this great computer-synthesized view of the Enterprise turning and then running right next to the other ship, matching its movements. The crowd is like "Wow!" Sam speaks up and says "Captain, that was incredible! How did you know how to find them?" Next thing, we see this closeup of a computer panel that is isolating a tracking signal for the ship. We occasionally see glimpses of green hands adjusting the controls. There's no doubt who is doing it. Kirk now has this really fake grin. I steal a glance at Mr .Scott who is trying desperately to mask a smirk.

Next we see phaser fire just all over the place, in almost every conceivable direction. Sam says "Wow, he was really all over the place!" Several crewmen chuckle. So then we see a hit and Sam says "Great! You got him! Now we can move in for the kill." The Enterprise is just sitting there, though.. sitting there.. and sitting there.. finally Sam says "Oh.. too bad, all that random firing knocked out the phasers." Now we see the Enterprise backing up at high speed. Sam beams and says "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you 'The Kirk Maneuver'. By this time, old lard butt is nowhere to be seen.

Finally, we see the Enterprise exchanging some more fire with the ship. Now we see a shot of Kirk yelling "Fire!" Then we again see the Enterprise just sitting there. Finally, we see Mr. Spock frantically working to fix the phasers, surrounded by the red shirts of those macho doofuses in Phasers. Spock fixes the phasers, runs over to the manual firing panel and fires. The other ship is hit, and soon blows up, obviously from some self-destruct mechanism.

At this point, everyone is silent, looking around to see if Kirk is still there. Finally, someone shouts out "Way to go, Mr. Spock!" and everyone cheers. After that, it was just one endless fountain of booze. Sam is MOST DEFINITELY forgiven. DON'T MESS WITH ENGINEERING, BABY!

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