Monday, May 09, 2005

The Joy of Drinking Games

I explored a different section of Starbase 11 today - one where the bartenders aren't on the lookout for me. I went over to the Moonless Moon lounge, mainly because it sounded like there was a huge party going on. It was better than just a party, it was a game of Altairian Charades. If you have never played the game, it is absolutely the best drinking game in the galaxy. The downside, aside from the possibility of accidental poisoning, is that you can only play about once a week because it takes that long for the hangover to wear off.

During each round, one member of a team is selected to be the puppet, while another is selected to be the puppeteer. The puppeteer is given the name of a planet and the idea is for the rest of the team to guess the planet. The puppeteer must get the puppet to behave like someone from that planet, using any combination of alcohol or other chemicals.

When I was the puppeteer, I was given "Vulcan". That's a no-brainer for me. I gave the guy a shot of Vodka-Naxonus, which completely relaxes the mouth, then I gave him a glass of Padrium water, to give him a greenish hue, and I topped it off with some slightly illegal brain stimulants. Maybe I was already a little too drunk, because the guy ended up a little greener than I expected - maybe about the hue of spinach. His mouth was so relaxed that his jaw hung slack and his tongue hung out. As he sat there, he suddenly just gazed off into space for a minute, then his eyes widened and he stood up. He looked frantically from left to right, each time his head snapped in the other direction, we heard a "thwap" as his tongue flapped against his mouth. He seemed to be indicating that he wanted to write something. He obviously realized that dictation was out of the question. By the time we got him something to write on, it was too late, the brain stimulants had worn off. He later told me that he had come up with the idea for a new kind of propulsion that was almost instantaneous, but he couldn't remember any of the details. My team had several guesses, but nothing even close. In fact, nothing even considered sentient.

When it came time for me to be the puppet, I was given a healthy dose of Sevarian Beer, which can cause severe aggression, and acute clumsiness. Included in the beer, was about a month's dosage of Salivex 10, which is a salivary gland stimulant for humans. I later learned that the puppeteer was trying to get me to act like a Klingon and wanted me to snarl and drool. Okay, so it does tend to be more of a caricature of a particular people.

Most people are not familiar with the history of Nocturnus 4 (my home planet). Many thousands of years ago, my ancestors hunted using an acid that causes blindness in most species. This acid was not only secreted by their salivary glands, but actually propelled by them. To put it bluntly, I descend from some of the most lethal spitters you can imagine. Over time, as our society developed tools, we relied less and less on the spitting, so our glands weakened until we got to the point where we could no longer spit like our ancestors.

The huge dose of Salivex 10 undid thousands of years of evolution, and in combination with the Sevarian beer, turned me into a clumsy, angry spittle gun. Man, I was shooting spit in every direction at once. Everywhere I could hear shouts of "My eyes! my eyes!" Through the haze of the beer, I staggered towards people, intent on beating them up, only swat at the table next to them, or to fall into the wall, all the time shooting spit everywhere. It ate little holes in people's uniforms, and through a lot of the drinking glasses.

Here's a safety tip, when someone is shooting acidic spittle around a bar, get the people with the Saurian Brandy as far away as possible from the ones with Ergonian Taka Water. It took a minute or two before the leaking liquids came in contact with each other. After that, it was another 30 minutes before the blaze was contained. The presence of Sevarian beer in my spittle did not help the situation, since it ignited as it passed through the flames and started new fires all over the bar.

I was eventually absolved of any direct malice, although everyone participating in the game had to work double shifts until the bar was repaired. This is yet another section of Starbase 11 that I must avoid.

While I was recovering from my hangover and awaiting the hearing, someone hijacked the Enterprise. Kirk took off after it in a shuttlecraft. Hopefully it will be gone long enough for this whole incident to blow over. Otherwise, I'm sure Jerk will come up with some new punishment, like spit-shining the hull.


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