Friday, January 28, 2005

New roommate

I don't like my new roommate. First of all, he took my bunk, says he needs to be near the door. Second, the guys scares me. He looks like a heart-attack waiting to happen. Now how, with all the medicine and technology we have today, how can someone get in that bad a shape?

He starts moving his stuff in and he's got like suitcases full of these "snack food" things like they sell on Rigel 2. Nasty things, potatoes, cygimna fruit and quartalus rinds all fried in oil and doused with salt. It's no wonder the average life expectancy on Rigel 2 is about 14. His name is Bob Darnell, and his only redeeming factor is that he's from Engineering (Don't Mess With Engineering, Baby!)

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Eat up, fatso

I caught Captain Jerk binge eating in the cafeteria again. If he doesn't watch out he'll be too fat for the yellow shirt and he'll have to wear the green one again. Dr. McCoy offered him some dietary supplements but Jerk is about as fond of those as he is of contraceptives.

Still no roommate.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

The Idea Thief

Okay, if you thought I hated Captain Jerk before, you ain't seen nothing yet. Let me give you a little background on this one. About a year ago, I played a practical joke on Ensign Jerk. I knew he liked to jog around deck 7 early in the morning, so I set up a little force field in the hallway. He smacked his face pretty good, even bloodied his nose. He found out I did it and threatened to have me transferred to a cargo ship. I told him that if he did anything to me, I would put a chunk of Corbomite in his cabin.

"What's Corbomite?" he asked.

"It's an undetectable substance that is lethal in even small quantities. First it dimishes your libido, then.."

"Stop!" he said immediately, with a panicked look on his face. "I'll leave you alone, keep the Corbomite to yourself. Just don't mess with me anymore, okay?"

Yeah, so there is no such thing as Corbomite, right? I made it up. Don't mess with Engineering, baby! He eventually figured it out, but by then he figured it wasn't worth bothering with.

Okay, now today, we encountered this dude who threatened to blow up our ship (this happens fairly regularly, of course). So Captain Jerk tells them that we have this Corbomite bomb and if they attack us, it will blow them up instead of us. Can you imagine the gall of this guy? He takes my idea and uses it for his own advancement. You think he told Starfleet Command where he got the idea? Yeah, neither do I.

So, to make matters worse, they meet the dude and he turns out to be this little guy who likes to drink something called Tranya. My roommate Dave really took a shine to the little guy and ended up staying there as a sort of ambassador. Now I have to get a new roommate. Man, my life sucks.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Ahead Whooooorp Factor 10

Mr. Scott was really hung over today. I mean REALLY hung over. His eyes weren't just bloodshot, they were solid red. He looked like a demon, or at least one of those lawyers from Litigious 6. He was staggering around, grabbing anything that would support him and moaning. Next thing I know, he throws up into the matter intake port.

I don't know what that guy drank, but damn if we didn't hit warp 10!

One one hand, I think we should report this to Starfleet, since it is something the warp theorists would be interested in. On the other hand, I don't want to get Mr. Scott in trouble, and they're bound to ask for specific details. I guess I'll just be quiet for now.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Psychic-delic

So we're out on patrol and we come across this really old ship. One of the guys says it is like 200 years old. All this weird stuff starts happening. I hear the crew talking about this crazy guy taking over the ship. At first I thought they were talking about Captain Jerk, but then they talk about how powerful his mind is, so I know it is someone else. This guy did all this weird psychic stuff. It was one of the crew, but he got zapped or something. I don't know what all went on, but somehow they got things under control.

What is more important, is that a few of us were able to sneak onto the old ship. And yes, it was a little over 200 years old. I don't think I need to tell you why that is so great, but just in case you don't know - IT WAS BEFORE THEY OUTLAWED PORN! We got most of the stuff transported over without the computers picking it up. We stashed it in the engine room where the interference from the matter-antimatter chamber throws off the sensors. I checked with the computer and it thinks we are storing biology textbooks there.

The only thing that sucks is that the old ship was even more Earth-ist than the Enterprise. All the porn is human. Come on, guys, would it hurt to have a few pictures of multi-sex, 10-armed beings every once in a while?

Monday, January 10, 2005

Down to Earth

So me and my roommate Dave were talking about the Enterprise today and I mentioned the rampant Earth-ism. Dave didn't know what I was talking about!

So I said, "Didn't you ever notice that everyone in a command position is from Earth? A whole galaxy full of people and somehow EVERYONE in management is from one planet. Explain that!"

Then Dave asks "What about Mr. Spock? He's a Vulcan."

"Yeah, your token non-Earthian, right? Wrong. Where's his mom from? Yep, Earth."

He didn't have nothing to day after that. It's bad enough knowing that I have no shot at promotion because I'm not from Earth, but it really sucks that the people on the ship don't even see what's going on!

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Life is bad

Well, crap!

Just when I thought we had finally gotten rid of Lieutenant Jerk, the worst happened! Captain Pike took the fall for the universal translator prank. They transferred him to a desk job at Starfleet Command. If that wasn't bad enough, our ship is now ruled by the iron fist of old butt-kisser himself Captain Jerk!

Once we heard about that, we spent the rest of the day finding ways to make the warp drive fail so he had to be satisfied with saying "Impulse power, Mr. Sulu."

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

The best day of my life!

Oh man, this has to be the best day of my life! Our ship was sent to meet some diplomats from Zolemnius 7. - real stuck-up types, too! They're trying to get Lieutenant Jerk some more experience with this stuff, so he is assigned to greet them. While Kirk was making out with Yeoman Rand up on deck 4, me and my roommate Dave snuck into his quarters and made a few quick “upgrades” to his universal translator.

Okay, so there's the pudgy ass-kisser standing in front of Lord High Pompous from Zolemnius 7 and the Zolemnian ambassador says “On behalf of my people, I wish to extend our greetings.” Only what Kirk hears through the universal translator is “On behalf of my people, I wish to say F--- You.” So Kirk has this puzzled look on his face, he smiles and says “Uh, thank you, Mr. Ambassador. And may I say 'F--- You' to you as well.” By the expression on the ambassador's face, you could tell the his translator had no problem finding an equivalent expression in his own language. His face grew several shades of purple lighter and he screamed "How dare you talk to me like that!" Kirk heard this as "Don't you know you are supposed to ask if you can sleep with my daughter?!" and, bowing deeply said "I beg your pardon, Mr. Ambassador! May I please sleep with your daughter?"

The ambassador lunged for Kirk, but his assisant stopped him. They left without another word. Kirk and Pike were in constant communication with Starfleet Command for the rest of the day, and I swear I heard "transfer" mentioned several times. Man, this is so freakin awesome! DON'T MESS WITH ENGINEERING, BABY!

Sunday, January 02, 2005

First day on the new job

Kenni's Log Stardate:123456.7

Ha! I always heard Captain Pike doing his log entries that way. My name is Kenni and I work in Engineering on board the U.S.S. Enterprise. I decided to start this log in honor of my new promotion. I am finally working in Warp Drive. I was in Impulse for the last two years and it was really a drag.

My boss, Mr .Scott, is pretty cool. He rides us hard sometimes, but he cuts us some slack when the heat is off. He also turns the other way when we pull pranks on some of the other crew members – especially Lieutenant Kirk, who we all call Lieutenant Jerk”. We rag on him something terrible and he hates us for it. He once swore that when he was captain, he'd make sure that we always got the most dangerous assignments. Like that's ever gonna happen! Who would give command to a brown-nosing guy like that?

My first day in Warp Drive was kinda rough. Everybody picks on the rookie. First they said that the anti-matter was lonely (they said it was a technical term) and that I should go find some uncle-matter. They musta sent me around to 10 different guys before one of them finally busted out laughing. At least I know some people here now, even if they all think I'm an idiot. Next they got me blowing on a pipe because they said the gluons needed to dry. Okay, I learned about gluons in second grade, and I don't remember nothing about them being wet or dry.

So next then they send me rushing in with a patch plate because there's a neutrino leak. I ain't falling for it again so I don't go. Turns out, there really was a neutrino leak and I just about blew the ship up. They stopped messing with me after that. Captain Pike was really pissed when he found out.