Thursday, April 28, 2005

R.I.P. Mr. Teconsoh

I received word from my mother that my fourth grade physics professor, Mr. Teconsoh, passed away recently. He was a really good teacher. He made physics interesting and also a lot of fun. It was because of him that I became an Engineer.

I'll never forget the demonstration where he slowed down light to a speed where we could watch it travel. Then he used a gravity ball to show how gravity bends light. It was really neat.

On the day we did the Shroedinger's Cat experiment, we beamed out the poison capsule and instead beamed in a very sexually-starved tomcat. When we opened the box, the cats were most definitely alive, and in the throes of passion. Mr. Teconsoh let out a huge belly laugh, and continued laughing as he escorted us to the principal's office. He said that was funnier than the time someone beamed a three-headed Pergolan leopard into the box - at least this time nobody lost any limbs.

I remember most his patience and joy. He never got frustrated with our inability to grasp concepts, he just kept throwing them at us in different ways. He never got irritated with our questions. It was obvious to us that he not only loved teaching, but that he loved us as well. Thank you, Mr. Teconsoh.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Disaster

Mr. Scott and Spock got into some really hairy stuff with the shuttlecraft - literally. They were attacked by some very big, hairy creatures. The shuttlecraft was badly damaged, but they managed to get off the planet. Spock burned up all the fuel and the crew got transported off before the shuttlecraft burned up. I'm glad Mr. Scott is alive, but ...

THE PORN!!!! Our beautiful, illegal, 200-year-old porn was incinerated when the shuttlecraft burned up in the planet's atmosphere.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

New rookie in Warp

Well, we got another rookie in Warp. She didn't fall for any of the tricks, either. I told her we were running low on futon particles.. she just laughed. I dimmed the lights and told her that the lights couldn't keep up with our current speed and we needed faster lights. She clapped her hands and the lights went back to full power. Then I told her that the matter and the anti-matter weren't getting along. She just laughed and said "I'm *not* calling a counselor."

Her name is Charica and she's from Erebas 2. I like her a lot, but I think half the guys in Engineering like her, too.. and maybe a quarter of the women, too.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Umm.. never mind

Okay, so Anton's daughter was a hottie, but it turns out she was bumping people off. She just killed Anton with a phaser. She was trying to protect him, too! It's like one of those Shakespeare plays. You know, that's another thing that bugs me about Earth. Their "great" works are SO GLOOMY! If they would stop for a minute and at least sample the offerings from the rest of the galaxy they'd see that it is possible to offer good entertainment without having to kill off the main characters.

My kingdom for another planet!

So I'm all excited about this acting company on board. I figure I'll get to see some of the great comedies of Frebus of Tartellus, or the incredibly mathematically detailed mysteries of 447.1 of Digitalus 6. Maybe even one of the racy works of Jugo of Hapron. Nope. Shakespeare, Shakespeare, Shakespeare.

Now don't get me wrong, I'll admit that Shakespeare was a galaxy-class playwright, but I wouldn't put him in my top 20. It figures, though, that on this ship, that's all I'd get to see.

I had a few drinks with one of the actors - a guy named Anton. He's pretty cool. Really, though, I'm just trying to get in good with him because his daughter is really hot!

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Guess who's colony needs help?

You know what? I'm just not believing this! We get this distress signal and divert our course like several hundred light years. Why? Because it is an EARTH COLONY! For crying out loud! THERE ARE OTHER PLANETS OUT THERE, guys!

Sorry. It just really gets to me sometimes. Anyway, we have this acting company on board with us now. It will be great to have some non-holo entertainment.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Earth, Earth, Earth

So get this: Yesterday we visited a planet that was conspicuously like Earth. Same general atmosphere, same size, everything. When the landing party got back, they said it was exactly like Earth from several hundred years ago. Do you think it is a coincidence that we were the ones to visit that planet? No freakin' way. It's just another way this damned ship is so Earth-ist. We never visit a planet that looks exactly like Vulcan, or Nocturnus 4 (my home planet). Just Earth.

One of the guys from security told me it was pretty scary down there. They all got some disease that only attacks adults. I guess everyone was vulnerable except Captain Jerk.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Emergency! Shields are down!

We had some routine engine maintenance today. I started by shutting off the flow in one of the engine cores. At that point, we were running on only one engine. We have a pretty elaborate recovery plan in case we get attacked while this is happenening. Anyway, I'm about 2 hours into the maintenance when my tricorder starts beeping. I first look around to see Mr. Scott is around, and since he isn't, I yell "Code Purple!"

Several guys stop what they're doing. Some of the others have no idea, so they just keep on working. Several of us huddle together, because right now, we have a Severity 1 Porn Emergency here. We have been using the engine room to store the porn we took off that 200-year-old ship. The shielding and radiation from the matter-anti-matter reactions throws off some of the sensors - porn doesn't rate the highest sensor grade, so it is possible to mask it. While we had the flow diverted, though, we had to rely solely on the protection provided by the container we kept it in.

But just a few minutes ago, someone - we don't know who, but it is someone who is going to lose all porn privileges, that someone decided to take a quick peek. When the container was opened, the sensor sweep picked it up, and my tricorder intercepted the alert, since I am monitoring security alerts.

First thing we need to do is figure out where to move the porn. It won't be safe here now that the sensors have picked it up. The whole area will soon undergo a manual inspection, because they certainly won't believe that the reading was a false positive caused by radiation flux - especially not down in Engineering! We discussed a few of the usual hiding places, but most of them are still undergoing occasional manual searches because of previous violations. Then Crewman Phyrrvo comes up with a great idea. He used to work in shuttlecraft maintenance, and the shuttlecraft has all kinda of shielding, and also some pretty concentrated radiation readings. It would be really easy to stash the porn there, if we could only get it there without detection.

We decide to go for the old "contamination two-step". Phyrrvo calls a couple of his buddies in shuttlecraft maintainance and offers them membership in the porn brotherhood in exchange for their cooperation. Soon, at a pre-arranged time, crewmen in both Warp and Shuttlecraft Maintenance experience radiation emergencies. In both cases, this involves several crewman in radiation suits dragging their exposed comrade to sick-bay. Some of the guys coat their suits with just enough radiation to mask the porn container, and I get to play victim. Just outside sickbay, we meet up with the shuttlecraft guys, who are similarly irradiated. We hand over the container to a couple of them who rush it back to the hangar, while me and the other victim are dragged into sick bay.

McCoy comes in, looks at both of us and shakes his head. He runs his little sensors over us and chuckles. So, boys, what is it this time?

I look at him blankly and go "Huh?"

"This isn't the first time I have seen the old contamination two-step'", McCoy smiles. "Romulan ale?"

"Porn," I say sheepishly.

"Oh well," says McCoy, "I see more anatomy than I really want to anyway. Let me know if you get some Romulan Ale. Now get back to work, and try to come up with a better scheme next time. That radiation trick is older than I am."

See, I told you he was a nice old guy.

Monday, April 04, 2005

The Nice List

I think there are probably only three officers that I really like in the senior command staff. Mr. Scott is great. He's an Engineer, and although he is tough on us, we all feel like he watches out for us, too. He puts up with our cutting up, and every once in a while, especially when he has been drinking, he will join in the fun.

Dr. McCoy, as I said before, is a nice old guy. He doesn't seem much like a commander, just a kindly doctor who seems to genuinely care about his patients. He has bawled me out quite a few times, though, the last time over the sunburn I got from the anti-matter prank.

Lieutenant Uhura is my other favorite. She's one of those officers who doesn't talk down to you when you are a crewman. Whenever she sees me, she smiles and says "Hello, Kenneth!" Since I know she's doing it in order to not talk down to me, I don't have the heart to tell her that my name is Kenni, not Kenneth. She don't take no crap, though. If she catches you screwing around, she'll set you back on the straight course. And if she calls you "Mister", you KNOW you have really done it. She caught me one time putting No-Friction solution on the floor and walls in an area where Ensign Jerk liked to jog. She lit into me big time, made me clean it up and report myself to Mr. Scott. Next days, she all "Hello, Kenneth!" again like it never happened. Mr. Scott didn't let me off so easy, though. He gave me radiation cleanup duty for a week. He also told me to make sure I didn't get caught the next time I was picking on Jerk.